Today I was going to write about an obnoxious experience I had at the UPS store – a frustrating example of infuriating customer service – when I came across a video of an elderly husband singing to his dying wife which caused the deluge of petty anger to escape my head in an instant.
Warning: make sure you have tissues handy . . .
Who can remain focused on trivial nonsense when face to face with the precious reality of our mortality? We’ve all heard the stories of people on their deathbeds regretting decisions that mired them down in the trappings of what they’ve come to realize were inconsequential.
I’ve written before about my fear of death. Though I’m not 100% sure it’s fear of it, as much as bitterness that it must come. But I just really do not want to die – ever. I’m already jealous of all the people who will come after me in this world, who will see what else gets invented, what else happens. How do you cope with not knowing the end of a story? It’s like the flight attendants shutting down the in-flight entertainment when there’s still 10 minutes left of a movie.
Of course, this has me wishing and praying that I’ll live and live and live for many, many years. I’m sure we all pray for that. But sometimes I find myself in a pickle wondering how I’ll feel if I outlive Patrick. I mean, of course I want to out live him. We’ve established that I want to live forever. Plus, I’m super competitive, so you know, I have to out live him just to win. I’m not joking. (Well, maybe kidding just a little.) But the fact is I will have to die sometime, and the thought of passing without him holding my hand, kissing my forehead, and soothing my fears is not a predicament I want to find myself in.
So, darn it. What will it be? I don’t know. But truly, when I do imagine dying . . . at a very, very, very old age . . . I hope the moment is much like the video of that dear couple. They remind me so much of Patrick and me – the way he’s so sweet and doting, and she’s kind of funny, entertaining the family in the room. That’s so us.
May we all have this kind of love and calm and peace around us when it’s our time to go. Yes, I will wish for this scenario. But that sets up another predicament . . . Who will be there for Patrick? xox